31

Jan

Self Harm, Panic Attack and Fuck You World

I absolutely cannot believe I am writing this as I am typing these words on my keyboard. The Miss B that everyone loves and sees is writing a very dark blog revealing my feelings inside of me at this moment, 31 January 2012. This could bring me more misfortune perhaps, though this is the moment I want to record, to remind myself who I truly am.

I am the person who everyone thinks is very happy, thinks the world is made of nothing but sweets, rainbow and unicorn. I am the person who makes things happen, for the community, for my career, for the people who work around me.

I like all things pretty, happy and is always full of life. The person that everyone thinks is strong, intelligent and has the world.

I have less self worth than others think. No one see the dark lonely side of me that I scream and go manic. Hence my Loli-Goth persona that I take on as Lolibee Doll, a little cute and a little goth.

I was just reading Mindfood on self-harm, why teenagers do it. Girls are more likely than boys to harm themselves; and boys are more likely to do something more extreme to themselves, if not adventurous. It is to do with brain development and young people who are exposed to abuse, drugs and alcohol and sex at an early age is more likely to harm themselves.

I am a late grower in this, abuse, drugs and alcohols, sex are all things I have experienced past 20s. Not as a 12-year-old. Not sure how it links to my self-harm thoughts.

I remember the first time I had my panic attack. It happened when I just woke up to go to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I thought I had a heart attack; the chest pain was indescribable, I could not breathe, talk or do anything but crunch onto my chest. It was the longest 10 minutes I had.

Since then I have not stopped having panic attacks. My GP did nothing to help me get through it once he knew I wasn’t having a heart attack. My counselor said to me everyone had different experiences and different ways to deal with it. Again, nothing.

I do have thoughts of harming myself. I am not afraid of blood. I found it exciting. Being someone who loves to look pretty, I wasn’t going to scare my arm. So instead, I had tattoos. I love watching myself tattooed, and seeing the art work appears on me as the blood sweat through my skin. It makes me feels like the bad things have all gone out with my blood. And a vivid reminder to myself of the horrible dark thoughts I was having.

I have posed tweets crying for help, that I feel exhausted and I am so sad I cannot cry. My friends, doing all they could, gave me the “you’ll be alright”, “you’d get over it”, “have a good rest”, “maybe you need a holiday”, “are you ok?” comments. I understand that’s all they could do and I truly appreciated the love they expressed but it really does not stop me from feeling negative.

I am a Leo born in the Year Rooster. I take everything as simple as it appeared; naïve for sure, but that’s me. I take comments harshly, good or bad. I know I don’t have to, but I can’t stop thinking about it. Should I try to be more positive, for sure, but I don’t know how except turning to alcohol, shopping and sex.

I dress myself up, get myself really busy, and surround myself with people, because I am a loner who is screaming inside, wanting to be loved. I don’t cry because I can’t cry. I get dressed up to hide the fact that I am a loner.

I can see myself getting another tattoo, which was planned anyway, but until I have a bit more money. I can’t wait to see myself finding another way to deal with my negatives, but until then.

FUCK YOU WORLD.

480 days ago Short URL 4 Comments

Personal

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30

Jan

The growing number of Asian community in Auckland

By 1 February 2012, there will be 1.5 million people living in Auckland, New Zealand, according to latest reports.

 

In 2011, of every 100 Aucklanders, 22 of them are of Asian decent. That’s more than the 11% of Maori and 16% of Pacific communities.And by 2021, Auckland is expected to have 27% people of Asian decent.

Yet Auckland is not ready for the number of Asians living here. Asians living here in Auckland is a mixture of older descendents and new migrants, all of which had different social and economic needs.

Having the Lantern and Diwali Festival is not the answer to promote better intercultural understanding between Asians and non-Asians. As a matter of fact, it continues to show Asians as “singing and dancing” communities.

As a matter of fact, the truth meaning behind the Lantern and Diwali Festivals are lost because they were organised by people who have little understanding of the history and culture behind the festivals.

The Auckland Council had an Auckland Plan that looks at the Auckland in the next 30 years. In it, it raised the importance of the changing diversity of Auckland, which included the growing Asian population.

With the lack of good understanding about the Asian population in Auckland, it failed to look at the following:

  1. Economic potential of the Asian Population:
    • The Asian population in Auckland are mainly small to medium enterprises that have a trading relationship with Asian countries. They have the skills and knowledge to facilitate the trading relationships. Their economic contribution to this city is not recognised.
    • For years I suggested that New Zealand companies should be working with Asians living in New Zealand, not just New Zealand companies who have worked in Asia.  Many subtle cultural practices and behaviours are best advice by Asians who have an understanding of both worlds.
    • Of the four BRICs, two of them are Asian countries. Asia is economically more reliable in 2012 than European countries. The potential is huge and it is understood that the economic growth in China is showing no signs of slowing.
    • With the growing number of Asians living in Auckland, it also provided an internal business opportunity that Auckland businesses can do to maximise their economic growth.
  2. Language and cultural conservation:
    • The Auckland Plan showed the importance of protecting and promoting Maori and Pasifika languages. The Cantonese language is dying, despite the efforts by Poll Tax Heritage Trust. The Chinese schools running in Auckland are all running at a lost because they are all community run. Little are there to look at protecting and promoting Asian languages here in Auckland.
    • For years, many knows that the Lantern and Diwali Festivals are not change-makers. Asians are not all singing and dancing. The public sees Asians as Festivals. A lot more can be done.
  3. Growing needs of aged population:
    There is a growing number of aged population, particularly those who are new to this city. They often have communication problems, and need proper aged care support. Aged care support in Auckland for the ethnic community is lacking and the service is poor. My colleague Jeet Sachdev is working on building a culturally appropriate aged care service for the South Asian communities, however, free and lack support from the mainstream.
  4. Economic impact of Asian population overseas:
    What happens in Asia has an impact in New Zealand. For example, the growing number of Dragon Babies in Asia is going to have an economic and social impact to Kiwis in Auckland. Unless Aucklanders is taking notice of it now, it could become a problem.

Auckland is not doing much at the moment to prepare a plan for the growing Asian population and continues to see them as “foreigners”. From economic and social perspectives, there can only be more good than harm to prepare and plan now.

481 days ago Short URL 9 Comments

Auckland/Business/Community Events and Services

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29

Jan

Notice of Clarification 澄清啟事

My story about Dragon Baby has gone to a completely different direction than what was intended in the first place. What happened, happened. My friend suggested that I placed a notice of clarification, and this will also be the last time I will talk about this story.

1. Having a baby:

I have dreamed about having a baby for more than 6 months. I have expressed this on my Facebook. It is due to my age – being a 30-year-old single woman; I am increasingly worried about missing my chances of having a child of my own. It is selfish for sure, however, I know children born to older women suffer more health problems. It would cost the child more in the future.

Must I have a child now? No. I do, however, want to have a child before I turn 35.

2. Single women having children:

It’s not unusual. Both UK and NZ reported single women wanting children, many of them related to their age. It is not uncommon for single women in their late 20s and early 30s because biological clock is one you cannot control. Women only have so many years before they can have a child.

3. Story in the Herald:

I have agreed to help my friend, Lincoln Tan, to do a story about Dragon Baby because it is an interesting angle for many non-Chinese or non-Asians. As I have previously written, I don’t think Kiwis understand and are ready for the impact of Dragon Babies in Asia and in New Zealand.

4. Sperm Donor:

Saying that I accept the idea of sperm donor does not equal to accepting random offers from random people. By telling people that I want a child does not mean I am publically asking for offers. Should one want sperm donor, one can seek help from a fertility clinic. I have no intention of using one at the moment.

5. Publicity stunt:

I am not promoting anything and not getting paid for this story, and it is not a publicity stunt. As a matter of fact, I need to subject myself to nasty, hatred comments. I have decided to let the comments come public because I respect you’re your view even if it is different.

I am a 30-year-old woman looking for love since 2008. I have thought about having a baby, and I think it is okay for women to have a child before they are married. There is nothing wrong for a single woman to think about having a child or want a child. I am not looking for random men to have sex with to get impregnate. I don’t think anyone can make assumptions on others just based on one article.

I am passionate and spend a lot of my time bridging the gap between Asia and New Zealand through better understanding. That for me is far more important than having a baby in the Year of Dragon.

You are now welcome to unsubscribe me.

有關我的「龍寶寶」的故事已經完全跟原本的事實不符。但發生的已經發生了。我的朋友跟我說我該發一篇澄清聲明，這也是我最後一次對「龍寶寶」發表意見。

1. 有關生寶寶:

我過去六個月一直在想著寶寶。在臉書上也曾經說過。這可能是跟年紀開始大有關係-做為一個30歲的單身女人，越來越擔心我離有孩子的時間更遠。這可能很自私，但我也知到年紀大才生，孩子的健康也有影響。將來對小孩更壞。

我一定現在便有小孩嗎？並不。但我很希望在35歲前生小孩。

2. 單身女人想生孩子:

這不稀奇。在紐西蘭還是英國也有很多單身女人因為年紀的關係而想要小孩。很多二十尾、三十頭的單身女人都擔心她們的生理時鐘讓她們沒法生育，畢竟生孩子是有時間限制的。

3. 在先驅報的報導:

當時答應我朋友Lincoln Tan做有關「龍寶寶」的故事的原因是因為這對非華裔和非亞裔人來說應該是一個很有趣的故事。就如我先前所說，我覺得紐西蘭人還沒真正了解在亞洲這「龍寶寶」對紐西蘭的影響有多大。

4. 捐精:

說能接受捐精並不代表接受陌生人的貢獻。告訴別人我不排斥捐精也不代表我公開要求貢獻。如我須要捐獻，我可以到不育治療院。而目前也沒有這個想法。

5. 宣傳技倆:

我並不是推廣什麼，而我也沒收費，這不是宣傳技倆。其實我卻要接受使人難受和有敵意的評語。雖然大家的看法不同，但我尊重你的意見。

我是一個從2008年開始便在尋找愛的30歲女人。我有在想生寶寶的事，也覺得婚前懷孕並沒問題。覺得單身女人想要孩子也沒問題。我並不是希望隨便找個人生孩子。我也不想大家因為一條報導而有所猜測。

我對做為亞洲和紐西蘭之間作為一個橋樑很有熱忱也花了很多時間。這比在龍年有寶寶更為重要。

歡迎你取消訂閱。

482 days ago Short URL 5 Comments

Community Events and Services/Hello World!/Personal

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28

Jan

New Zealand and Dragon Baby – Has Kiwis caught on yet?

“Are you prepared for the baby boom for the Year of Dragon?” asked Mr Eric Chu, Mayor of New Taipei City, at a meeting to the Mayor Len Brown. “In 6 years time, there will be a problem with schools and education.”

What he raised was the Dragon Baby phenomenon in the Greater China area. While all people can thnk about is how stupid I was to mention I want a Dragon Baby, what the articles and stories was really telling was the story of Dragon Baby Boom. Yet New Zealand had no idea how this could impac them.

“A record-high value for milk powder, butter, and cheese exports led a 4.3 percent increase in the seasonally adjusted value of exports in the December 2011 quarter, Statistics New Zealand said today.” Said Statistics New Zealand. Radio New Zealand and Enbar in China also reported New Zealand  market share for whole milk powder in China has increased to 93% last year.”

New Zealand supermarkets were forced to ration baby formula to customers to stop exporters from clearing the shelves and selling to China. Photo / NZ Herald

Zealanders are not aware of the crazy milk power shortage in China. Chinese are buying them up at supermarkets, and supermarkets have to restrict the number of milk powder customers can by. There are many one-day-deals online stores in Chin that were selling New Zealand’s milk powder, real and fake. Chinese owned souvenir shops are selling milk powder for Chinee customers to send or take back to China. There are even loistics companies who help send milk powder back to China.

What New Zealanders are unaware of, shortage of milk powder in New Zealand is only a beginning. With the expected baby boom in China, the demands for milk powder will increase. Chinese of all ages take milk powder, old and young. The demand for expecting mothers will be just as great as new born babies.

Babies needs for milk powder is not a one-year thing; but at leas 6 years. New Zealanders have not came into terms on the economic and social impact Dragon Baby Boom has. Actions and planning should start now or those who suffer are Kiwis.

483 days ago Short URL 1 Comment

Auckland/Business/Community Events and Services/Personal

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27

Jan

New Zealand and the Chinese Communites in New Zealand

My section for the documentary “Both Worlds” finally comes to an end. I am finally wrapping up my part of my story, even though I feel a little sluggish and upbeat today to complete it.

As some would know, Both Worlds is a documentary on 1.5/2nd Generation New Zealanders, and how they live their lives here in NZ. And some would also know, my part is about my journey looking for love; as a 1.5er, I believe it is hard to find someone who understands what it means to be a 1.5er. And what it means when it comes to looking for love.

I have had assumptions about what Chinese and non-Chinese may think about relationships. Assumed that Chinese maybe more traditional, that they want their partner in a certain way, and I would never fit in.

When I spoke to my friend, he actually told me I was wrong. No – not all traditional Chinese men wants their wives to stay home and cook. As a matter of fact, women’s rights in China is way higher than here in New Zealand.

And in New Zealand, we know how women needs to fight for their rights.

My assumptions on the Dragon Baby saga was equally wrong, and I thought the Chinese will be negative, having a child before marriage?

The feedback on the English platforms were generally negative. In Chinese’s Weibo, they were generally positive and even supportive.

I am still not sure why, but I remember my mom reminded me that her friend’s mother told her daughter to have child when they were still in a de facto relationship, because they now remained childless and their relationship ended.

Over the last few weeks, I am proving myself wrong again and again. I have been making inappropriate assumptions about Chinese and New Zealanders. That perhaps Chinese are more conservatives and New Zealanders are not.

I am glad I am proving myself wrong. This allows me to learn to find out more an talk to someone before I make any judgements.

484 days ago Short URL Comments

Auckland/Hello World!/Personal

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26

Jan

Social Entrepreneurships in Hong Kong

So I heard that over 90% of the schools built or supported by charitable causes in China were supported by Hong Kong people. People in Hong Kong, regardless of their income, helped give those in poor villages and those who can’t afford to go to school, an education.

Hong Kong people are always generous; they were he first ones who donated $1 million to the Canterbury earthquake. People in Hong Kong are used to doing street collections every weekend; kids as the collectors and adults pay.

Social entrepreneurships in Hong Kong run as a business. It comes in different forms such as restaurants and retail. Most of it with the aim to help those in poverty and unskilled to get a job or work experience.

Social entrepreneurships in New Zealand are about how we can great opportunities that meet social needs, particularly for the grassroots. Sometimes, it is about supporting existing not-for-profit or non-governmental organisations.

A group of my friends from Hong Kong is coming over to Auckland in April to share ideas on social entrepreneurships, including indigenous business developments such as Maori tourism.

The goal of my friend is to empower the young people to become leaders in social entrepreneurships. They give back to the community, not waiting to get supported.

I cannot wait for them to come to New Zealand and share their experiences on social entrepreneurships. If you are interested to support this group of young people when they are here, please contact me on bevan.chuang@gmail.com. Only more than happy to hear from you!

485 days ago Short URL 1 Comment

Auckland/Business/Community Events and Services/Personal

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24

Jan

Weibo – What New Zealand Businesses Are Missing Out

I’ve been using Weibo for about a year now. Weibo, short form for micro-blogging, have been very popular in China and many overseas Chinese. Most Western online social networking sites such as Facebook, Twitter and Youtube are banned in China; a recent story reported that the Founder of Twitter was unable to use Twitter in China.

Twitter and Facebook were seen as dangerous to keeping China stable and harmonized. We know they are responsible for a number of revolutions such as the Jasmine and Occupy movements in 2011. The Chinese government has every reason to be cautious with the use of social media.

Weibo hardly featured on Western news; partly because it is only written in Chinese. This uses the same concept of Twitter, 140 characters. What many Westerners do not understand is that 140 Chinese characters are a lot more than 140 English alphabets. It can be a whole paragraph.

Weibo is a little more complex than Twitter. Pictures can be modified on the site before it is posted, so you can add special Lomo effect or you can even post a mosaic of 9 photos as one. Your photos are also watermarked, so no one else can steal your photos and claim it is theirs.

You can also add a number of other things such as videos, (animated emoticons), poll, you name it. It is a lot more interactive than Twitter.

What he Western World is missing out is the conversation that goes on in Weibo. Aside from the repost of celebrity news, horoscopes, nail arts, fashion, food, is the stories of everyday life of everyday person. This included their thoughts on what happened in the news. The Chinese government may monitor the website, but it could take up to 1 hour before it is removed. Before it is removed, more than half a million people would have seen it. Screen shots can be taken and reposted as an image, making it harder for the officials to remove their posts.

There is also a vast economic benefit to local retailers and businesses that the Western World is not tapping into. In New Zealand, there is a huge number of international students, and students who returned to China, who are using Weibo and keeping abreast on what’s coming up in Auckland and New Zealand. The only official Weibo by New Zealand businesses are Air New Zealand, Tourism New Zealand and Zespri. All other New Zealand businesses are mainly Chinese owned, even those like Vodafone and 2Degrees, who have an account on Weibo, are operated by Chinese store owners.

The effect of Weibo is phenomenal. Asian Fusion, a South East Asian restaurant based on High Street, has been using it to promote their buffet to their Chinese community. Their Groupon deals were sold out in hours; their restaurant was always fully booked, and now become one of the most successful eatery in Auckland.

As I had previously written, the Chinese community posted stories about how they supported or participated in the Rugby World Cup. Weibo is also an important medium to promote social integration.

If you are a business who wanted to increase your business with the Chinese community and have been wondering why your Online Social Media failed – try Weibo. It is a much more effective way, both impact and economically.

487 days ago Short URL Comments

Auckland/Business/Community Events and Services/Hello World!

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23

Jan

My Journey to Dragon Babyhood

Hi, my name is Bevan, a 30 years old single woman born in Hong Kong and have lived here in Auckland, Aotearoa for the last 15 years. I am on a quest for a Dragon Baby. What’s a Dragon Baby? 2012 marks the Year of Dragon, one of the most auspicious years for Chinese worldwide. A baby boom is expected; hospitals, doctors and midwives were booked more than a year ago.

My quest for a Dragon Baby is partly aged related. Globally (see The Guardian and NZ Herald), it is not uncommon for single women to seek help from fertility clinics. Late 20s and early 30s single women are finding their biological clock ticking, but finding an eligible man is getting ever so difficult.

Since the article published in New Zealand Herald on 14 January, I have had further ‘national advertisement’ for my quest for a Dragon Baby. As one would expect, I did get a lot of emails, Facebook messages, tweets, you name it. Some are kind and wanted to “get to know me”, some wanted me to pick them for a “good time”, and some wanted to send me their sperm. There are a few couples who wanted me to help them as surrogate mother.

There were also comments made online, via Facebook about my quest for a Dragon Baby. Friend of friend who doesn’t know me started slamming me about my selfishness and how it is unhealthy. THIS IS WHY  I WANTED TO HAVE A BABY WITH A FATHERLY FIGURE. I also saw comments where people think I am going to sleep with any random guys on the street, or worse, think I wanted residency in New Zealand. HAVING A BABY WITH NZ CITIZENSHIP DOES NOT GUARANTEE THE MOTHER WITH NZ RESIDENCY!

I am definitely interested in getting pregnant in the next couple of years, but I am not interested in looking for random sex with random guys. My sex life is very healthy and rather amazing. What I am lacking is a baby daddy to fulfill my maternal needs.

488 days ago Short URL 4 Comments

Hello World!/Personal

22

Jan

2012 Year of the Dragon and Chinese New Year celebrations

「百花競放賀陽春　萬物從今盡轉新 末數莫言窮運至 不知否極泰來頻」黃大仙 - 「唐明皇擊鼓催花」

“Flowers booming to celebrate spring, a new beginning to come. It may be the worse time at the end of year, out of the depth of misfortune comes bliss.”

My Year of the Rabbit haven’t been very kind to me. I had a year of not quite sure what I was doing and what is the purpose of my work; despite having worked very hard. Everything came and leave faster than I could remember.

It maybe the some of the worse misfortunes I have to face before I hit back with great fortune for the Year of Dragon, a year that is compatible with me and supposedly the Rooster is going to have an awesome year.

I have had a great and smooth few days. Despite being exhausted from organising the Chinese New Year festival, it has been a pleasant one. I had the opportunity to look around at the festival, spoke to people, and a quiet time to reflect on where I wanted to go with this year.

Chinese considered the new year started only until after the Chinese New Year begun. For my mother though, it is only when Spring Solstice begun, which is on the 12 February this year.

Chinese New Year market days are traditionally a day where people go and buy the things they need for Chines New Year, such as decorations, food, clothing, flowers, etc. A friend of mine commented that it wasn’t appropriate for stall holders to sell clothes at market day because it is not the purpose. What does he know? New clothes are a must – it signifies a new beginning.

There are many do-s and don’t-s on Chinese New Year day. You are supposed to be gentle, no borrowing money, no arguing, all to wish for a better new year.

For my new year, I have started on developing my own business entrepreneurship. To develop my cross-cultural advisory and event management business, so I get a fair deal and get paid for the work I do. China is now New Zealand’s 2nd largest trading partner, and yet there are much more work to do.

After many years of contributing back to the community, this is the year I hope I m getting the community to back me up, and support the work I do.

The Year of the Dragon is meant to bring all the great things, including love (and baby as added bonus!) and money. I look forward to the wonderful new year and I wish you all a great one too.

恭喜發財！祝龍年吉祥, 百福臨門, 吉祥富貴, 龍馬精神，龍騰躍起，龍鳳呈祥，新春福龍送吉祥! Gong Hei Fat Choy! Wishing everyone all the very best in the Year of Dragon, have a healthy, prosperous, and happy year!

489 days ago Short URL Comments

Community Events and Services/Hello World!/Personal

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17

Jan

All You Need Is Love

 

What a week! Starting from Saturday, with the article, with the news stories, my social media sites have been running hot, hot, hot! Knew it could be a little interesting, was expecting creepy messages, but definitely not the attention I had for the last few days.

The creepy messages were expected, and therefore it didn’t come as a surprise. It didn’t come as a surprise to me either for my friends to ask, are you sure, are you really sure? And friends who know me like the back of their hands know I was joking. Indeed, a friend of mine asked “so you were advertising for a root huh?”

Nothing comes as a surprise when strangers started to educate me on the meaning of healthy families. The idea that a family consist of a daddy, mommy, and kids. Let’s not talk about gay couples at this stage, who effectively have two parents. Let’s just talk about this concept of single parenthood.

Single mothers, and now, some single fathers, are common now. Some got into this involuntarily, because their relationship broke down, the partner is no longer there, the child was conceived through trauma, etc. There are some, like the women in UK interviewed by the Guardian in 2008, voluntarily went into single motherhood because they were having trouble finding a partner and wanted a child before they miss the biological opportunity.

What is a concept of family/whanau? From an Asian perspective, we know families are more than just the immediate parents and brood. We know it involves the grandparents, the aunties and uncles, the distance relatives, the village. Hence it was commented that many Asian women found looking after a child in a foreign country difficult. They have lost the support networks they have at home.

I grew up in a rather large and complex family. Father was never quite there but I am definitely loved. I have the love of my grandparents, sister, aunties and uncles and cousins and now nephews and nieces. I have the love of my mom’s friends. I have more than the love of my parents.

The assumptions are that a child cannot be brought up properly with love unless there is the mother and father. When did primates ever live as single unit? We know that chimpanzees live together in a brood, with other females and other young ones, with one alpha male, and a few other inferior males. We also know that this exist in the kingdom of lions. Cubs live with a number of females and a male that technically does nothing but breed.

What is important is what you can do for your children. What do you want them to achieve? What can you do to provide for them? What is important for them? Love is all around, beyond the parents, beyond the romantic affiliations, and more about those around you who really care, respects, and support you where  and when you need it.

494 days ago Short URL 1 Comment

Hello World!/Personal

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