I absolutely cannot believe I am writing this as I am typing these words on my keyboard. The Miss B that everyone loves and sees is writing a very dark blog revealing my feelings inside of me at this moment, 31 January 2012. This could bring me more misfortune perhaps, though this is the moment I want to record, to remind myself who I truly am.
I am the person who everyone thinks is very happy, thinks the world is made of nothing but sweets, rainbow and unicorn. I am the person who makes things happen, for the community, for my career, for the people who work around me.
I like all things pretty, happy and is always full of life. The person that everyone thinks is strong, intelligent and has the world.
I have less self worth than others think. No one see the dark lonely side of me that I scream and go manic. Hence my Loli-Goth persona that I take on as Lolibee Doll, a little cute and a little goth.
I was just reading Mindfood on self-harm, why teenagers do it. Girls are more likely than boys to harm themselves; and boys are more likely to do something more extreme to themselves, if not adventurous. It is to do with brain development and young people who are exposed to abuse, drugs and alcohol and sex at an early age is more likely to harm themselves.
I am a late grower in this, abuse, drugs and alcohols, sex are all things I have experienced past 20s. Not as a 12-year-old. Not sure how it links to my self-harm thoughts.
I remember the first time I had my panic attack. It happened when I just woke up to go to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I thought I had a heart attack; the chest pain was indescribable, I could not breathe, talk or do anything but crunch onto my chest. It was the longest 10 minutes I had.
Since then I have not stopped having panic attacks. My GP did nothing to help me get through it once he knew I wasn’t having a heart attack. My counselor said to me everyone had different experiences and different ways to deal with it. Again, nothing.
I do have thoughts of harming myself. I am not afraid of blood. I found it exciting. Being someone who loves to look pretty, I wasn’t going to scare my arm. So instead, I had tattoos. I love watching myself tattooed, and seeing the art work appears on me as the blood sweat through my skin. It makes me feels like the bad things have all gone out with my blood. And a vivid reminder to myself of the horrible dark thoughts I was having.
I have posed tweets crying for help, that I feel exhausted and I am so sad I cannot cry. My friends, doing all they could, gave me the “you’ll be alright”, “you’d get over it”, “have a good rest”, “maybe you need a holiday”, “are you ok?” comments. I understand that’s all they could do and I truly appreciated the love they expressed but it really does not stop me from feeling negative.
I am a Leo born in the Year Rooster. I take everything as simple as it appeared; naïve for sure, but that’s me. I take comments harshly, good or bad. I know I don’t have to, but I can’t stop thinking about it. Should I try to be more positive, for sure, but I don’t know how except turning to alcohol, shopping and sex.
I dress myself up, get myself really busy, and surround myself with people, because I am a loner who is screaming inside, wanting to be loved. I don’t cry because I can’t cry. I get dressed up to hide the fact that I am a loner.
I can see myself getting another tattoo, which was planned anyway, but until I have a bit more money. I can’t wait to see myself finding another way to deal with my negatives, but until then.
FUCK YOU WORLD.